


Grow As We Go

by divybread



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:58:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18421407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/divybread/pseuds/divybread
Summary: As life rolls on by, they learn how to live together, despite how things continue to change.





	Grow As We Go

**Author's Note:**

> Once again based off a song I am entirely smitten by. [This one](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDeNQNtW1f8). Feel free to give it a listen as you read (or before/after).  
> Also I did not beta this fic at all because I didn't want to. Hope it's any good lol

The words hit him like a freight train, so sudden and total that he involuntarily gasps for air and just stands there a few moments, trying to come to grips with the reality of them. They hang in the air between them, outlined and heavy, as if daring him to deny them. As if daring him to contradict them, to find some sort of flaw in them and tear them open to their very core.

He doesn’t.

In the silence that follows, Yifan looks at him with a quiet, waiting gaze, and he knows he’s supposed to give some sort of response to indicate he heard what has been said, that he cares about the meaning and the consequences, but he simply can’t get the words past his throat. There’s a boulder stuck in the back of it, blocking any noise from coming out and all he ends up doing is just looking at his lover.

Looking at the way Yifan frowns, then sighs, then tucks his hands into his pockets and turns away.

“Well, good luck with everything, Yixing.”

The door falls closed on three years of being together, on all the nightly whispers, the shared laughter, the inside jokes and hushed secrets.

His heart breaks.

_You say there’s so much you don’t know_  
_You need to go and find yourself_  
_You say you’d rather be alone_  
_‘Cause you think you won’t find it tied to someone else_

For a while after, the room still echoes with all the words he never managed to say. His mind just keeps repeating all of his arguments against this crazy decision, but none of them ever make it past his lips. Not that it would have mattered anyway, considering the one he wants to say them to has left his room long behind, hands tucked into pockets and head bent ever so slightly.

It’s the full three days later when he walks into Yifan’s room without knocking, muttering something distinctly rude at the shocked cry of his lover’s roommate and heading straight for where Yifan looks up at him in clear surprise, hand frozen in the midst of flipping a page.

Despite the desperation he feels inside, there is no urgency in the way he takes hold of Yifan’s face, no pressure nor harshness in how he leans in and kisses Yifan again.

There’s no protests, no venom to back up the words of goodbye from just a little while back. Yifan with his usually quick reflexes and astute thinking just sits there and lets it happen to him. As if he, too, knows that this is what’s best for them, that this is what they need.

“Take me with you,” he says as he pulls back, looking into his boyfriend’s eyes as his fingers curl around the back of the tall male’s neck. “Wherever it is you want to go, whatever it is you want to explore, just take me with you.” He pauses for a moment, gaze flickering from one eye to the other, as if trying to make sure Yifan is really listening to him.

“We can do it together.”

_Who said it's true,_  
_That the growing only happens on your own?_  
_They don't know me and you_

Somehow it doesn’t seem to get easier to see Yifan hurt, and he wonders whether that’s a good or bad thing. Holding the tall male in his arms as sobs wreck the tall body always tugs at his heartstrings in ways he previously thought did not exist. But then being held in those strong arms as he temporarily loses all hope in life also does things to him that he previously thought impossible.

There is no safer place in the world to him than when he’s protectively enclosed in Yifan’s arms, and nowhere on earth he’d rather be than with Yifan curled up against him as if trying to fit all of those long limbs into a single hold. No way the two of them could work better together than they do in those very moments, and all the moments in between.

He watches Yifan discover new hobbies, watches the way his style changes, his vocabulary gets altered. He gets introduced to all kinds of new friends, gets to shake hands with people he never thought he’d get to know before.

And at the same time, he finds himself in that familiar spot right between slumber and sleep, when he can nuzzle into the crook of Yifan’s neck and breathe in the mixture of fresh linen, soap and toothpaste that always clings to the older male at the end of the day.

_I don’t think you have to leave_  
_If to change is what you need_  
_You can change right next to me_  
_When you’re high I’ll take the lows_  
_You can ebb and I can flow_  
_And we’ll take it slow_  
_And grow as we go, ooh_  
_Grow as we go, ooh_

The world slows down as he picks up the pen, and where words used to flow before, he finds an emptiness now, nothing left for him to write down.

At first it’s scary, an emptiness he doesn’t know he can ever fill again, but then he finds that where long lines of text fail him, he can do all the more with simple words painted together on a canvas. The paintbrush becomes his new sword, until he stabs too many people with it and suddenly finds himself whispering apologies.

In the end, the whispers turn to talking and talking turns to screaming, until he’s even shouting at Yifan. It’s dark, judging eyes that finally stop him cold, the silence his shouts are returned with causing him to stop and reassess.

Eventually his gaze falls to the floor, embarrassment and shame causing both his head and shoulders to droop down. It’s not long before he’s apologising again, but this time the arms wrap around him again and reassurances are whispered into his hair soon enough.

When eventually he finds the courage to pick up his paintbrush again and face the harshness of the world’s criticism, it’s only because Yifan is standing there with him, pointing out all the good and pretty things about what he creates along with the lesser.

_You won't be the only one_  
_I am unfinished, I've got so much left to learn_  
_I don't know how this river runs_  
_But I'd like the company through every twist and turn_

Perhaps him smiling at the other guy a little too friendly is a breaking point, or maybe they were always destined to blow up at each other at some point throughout college. But he can’t deny it feels good to have Yifan be the jealous one for a change. He can’t deny it feels good to not be the uncertain one of the two, to not be the one wondering if Yifan is still considering life without him, but to know that perhaps now Yifan is wondering the same thing.

Then he realises what it means, that feeling, how it would make the other crumble inside.

Right in the middle of one of Yifan’s angry, hurtful remarks, he reaches out and takes hold of Yifan’s hands. He doesn’t attempt to pull him into a kiss, nor does he attempt to force him to cage in the anger, but he simply establishes the connection between them again.

“I love you,” he says, the quietness of his voice suddenly loud because of the stark contrast with their earlier shouting. “I’m sorry I made you feel insecure, like you weren’t good enough. You are.”

Yifan’s anger melts away within seconds, a clear sense of understanding surprise flashing over his expression that soon dissolves into a sheepish smile. That is the point where he does lean in and kiss the uncertainty away, the lingering traces of guilt along with it.

“You’re everything to me,” he says softly, smiles as the words make it past his lips without issue this time.

“You’re everything to me too,” Yifan replies in barely a whisper, but the sincerity is there and so a wide smile breaks through on his face automatically.

_Who said it's true,_  
_That the growing only happens on your own?_  
_They don't know me and you_

Midway through college, Yifan changes majors, suddenly decides what he was doing is not what he wants to do anymore and goes into an entirely different direction. It takes him some getting used to, to consider his tall and well-liked boyfriend to be someone who prefers to stay out of the spotlight rather than throw himself into the middle of it, but eventually it just becomes one of those things that are simply part of his lover.

Another few months pass before Yifan quietly admits to a long-time struggle with his body image, seeing a therapist during his days at home and attempting to regain some sort of idea over what he wants to look like and how he can achieve such a thing in a positive way.

He smiles, runs fingers through those sturdy locks and whispers his reassurances against the lines of Yifan’s collarbones.

“I love you anyway. Whatever you look like. You’ve never not been handsome to me. Incredibly handsome. Like the handsomest man in the entire world of handsomes.”

It gets a laugh out of Yifan, a sparkle there in those eyes he didn’t realise he missed until now that it’s back. Then it earns him a kiss and he makes sure to whisper his reassurances against those lips too.

_You don't ever have to leave_  
_If to change is what you need_  
_You can change right next to me_  
_When you're high I'll take the lows_  
_You can ebb and I can flow_  
_And we'll take it slow_  
_And grow as we go, ooh_

Graduation comes with a little too much to drink – or a lot – and finding Yifan suddenly lip-locked with a woman at some point in the night.

He frowns, elbows his way in between the pair and gives the girl a look that ensures even her drunken mind knows she’s treading on extremely dangerous territory.

When they get back home, Yifan kisses him until any memory of the girl’s lips are erased from both their minds and nothing is left but each other.

_And grow as we go, ooh_

He gets a job as a secretary to some small tech company owner. It drains his very soul of all the things that make him happy.

Yifan tells him he looks tired all the time; he says he feels tired all the time.

Five months later he quits the job and takes up commissions for paintings instead.

It comes with a slightly lower pay check, but the joy returns to his eyes.

_And grow as we go, ooh_

They lose the apartment when it’s sold to a new owner, struggling for a while to find a new place to stay. Eventually they have to move into an old acquaintance’s garden shed for half a year just to have a roof above their heads.

He learns what it means to not be able to take a shower more than once a week.

Yifan learns what it means to have to eat whatever’s available.

_And grow as we go, ooh_

The new apartment is much better than anything they’ve ever lived in. He’s making a name as a good and quick commission painter of all styles, and Yifan manages to land himself a great job as someone working the phones for a support line for children and young adults.

Sometimes they sit on their little balcony looking up at the stars, curled up in each other’s arms one way or another, and wonder what it is they’re supposed to do with their lives.

He often says all they are here for is to be with each other. Yifan always answers he doesn’t mind that.

Sometimes they consider what things could’ve been like if they hadn’t met, or if they’d only met at a later point in life. It never lasts long, the imagining. They’re always happy enough with things as they are, their lips only a turn of the head away from each other.

After all, how good could life have been without that?

_I don't know who we'll become_  
_I can't promise it's not written in the stars_  
_But I believe that when it's done_  
_We're gonna see that it was better_  
_That we grew up together_

“Do you still wish it sometimes?” He asks one day, fingers wrapped around a mug of coffee, eyes looking everywhere but at Yifan, afraid almost of the response. “To venture out on your own, to try new things. Find yourself…”

He sees Yifan’s head turn from the corner of his eyes and can only bear not to look back for a moment longer. What he’s faced with is a solemn expression, an indication that Yifan is really thinking about the question he’s asked. He awaits the answer with bated breath, chest aching with a fear for the words that could be spoken.

“Sometimes I wonder, yeah. What it would be like to be with someone else.” There’s a slight shrug, a clear indication that Yifan’s disregarding the thought. “But I’m with you. We’ve been through all the hurdles; we’ve faced all the lows. I’ve spent my entire youth with you, being together. There’s no one else in the world who could know me as well as you do. No one who I could love as much as I love you.”

The statement is made so matter-of-factly that it temporarily baffles him, stuns him into complete silence. Yifan doesn’t sigh or shrug this time, simply smiles warmly at him and reaches out to drop a sugar cube in his coffee.

“Didn’t see that coming, did you?” He is teasingly asked, fondness colouring Yifan’s voice even as an amused grin spreads on the man’s face. “Just sit there and take it in, I’ll wait to hear back from you in three days’ time.”

_Tell me you don't wanna leave_  
_'Cause if change is what you need_  
_You can change right next to me_  
_When you're high I'll take the lows_  
_You can ebb and I can flow_  
_And we'll take it slow_  
_And grow as we go, oh_

They get married with a small ceremony in the city hall, inviting only a few close friends and what’s leftover of their families. Yifan slides a simple golden band over his ring finger, he returns the gesture with one of a white gold making.

When they kiss it’s done with a familiarity of years gone by, but it still somehow feels like the very first time all over again.

_And grow as we go, oh_

They move to a house several years later, when their combined pay checks are capable of covering the mortgage costs.

One day Yifan comes home with a little pup in his arms that he found abandoned at the side of the road. He was never much of a dog person, but they decide to keep it anyway because shelters are not the safest places for a little creature to go.

Within days the pup has pooped twice on the carpet, drooled on all of their pants and decided its sleeping space is at the foot end of their bed, whether they like it or not.

It’s not long before he becomes very much of a dog person.

_And grow as we go, oh_

The pup grows up, then dies. They get a new one not long after, watch it run around crazily and take joy in the liveliness it brings to the otherwise peaceful house.

When that one dies, they take one long look at all the lively puppies in the shelters, then turn towards the adult dog section as one.

Charlie lives out the remainder of his days lazying around their house, taking naps on the terrace in the sunlight and enjoying some well-deserved scratches behind his ears as they’re all cuddled up together in the couch.

When he goes, they take in old Frolic next, and then Jack.

And then, and then, and then…

_And grow as we go, ooh_

“You know I never really thought I had to be without you,” Yifan tells him one day, when they’re out in the garden together, enjoying a tender spring sun.

“I just loved you so much it kind of scared me and with my young teenage brain I figured the proper thing to do in that case was to go out and make sure I wasn’t making a mistake by seeing if I could find the same thing with anyone else.”

He hums, surprised at the way his heart still kind of shoots up into his throat at the thought despite how long ago this was and how far they’ve come since then.

“To be quite fair I think I maybe could’ve found that same thing elsewhere, if I’d really gone out and tried to find them.”

This is a statement he receives with the raising of his eyebrows and a slight tilt of his head so he can look at his husband in the lounging chair next to his with one of those looks that warn the other to thread carefully from here on out.

Yifan laughs lightly, then reaches out to take hold of his hand, gently running fingers over his wedding band, cherishing all that it stands for with a single touch alone.

“I’m glad it was you, though.”

Their eyes lock and any mock annoyance disappears from his face instantly as he just looks at the man he loves. The man who loves him back enough to say things like this occasionally despite not usually being a very outspoken person emotion-wise.

“I’m still glad it’s you.”

His heart skips a beat.


End file.
